God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
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you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Care for your back
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
this makes me so uncomfortable
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻