Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
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Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Bed should get ready for ME
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Y’all know who you are.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.