[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
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Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
channeling her this year
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
What an awful time to have common sense.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.