Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
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me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Hotels are back
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.