How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
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today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I never needed anything more in my life
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.