caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
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I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
He’s cranky this morning
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.