[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
You Might Also Like
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
hackers play passwordle
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.