Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
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WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Do not go gentle into that good night,
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right