HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
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My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
He’s cranky this morning
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
pat pat
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks