me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
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me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
This is hilarious….
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”