My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
You Might Also Like
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
this has to be peak English
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
☠️☠️☠️
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on