The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
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Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?