Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
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Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?