I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
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Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”