Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
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My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
mentally somewhere in italy
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Saw your ex at the shops
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
I love art.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself