What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
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[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.