Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
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Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?