This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
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I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
2022 be like
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”