Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
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Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.