I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
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[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.