Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
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Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.