I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
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“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos