Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
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If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope