[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
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Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend