“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
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I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.