Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
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Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
it’s finally my moment to shine
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.