When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
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my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster