‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
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Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?