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There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
went fishing caught a bass
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
wtf is a larm clock?
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.