Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
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65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos