Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
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When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no thereâs a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Iâll smash someoneâs car window on a hot day if I see theyâve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
DICKENS: Iâve got writers block… Iâll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
5: Unicorns arenât real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didnât sneeze we wouldnât have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
đđđ„°đđ
5 years ago my dad texted me âi dreamed up the title of a poem last nightâ and i said âwhat was the titleâ and he said âThoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selvesâ and i have thought of that every day since.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I donât want to share*
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victimâŠ
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. Itâs terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.