i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
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“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.