While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
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My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
My sex drive has a dui
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”