I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
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Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
The real reason evolution started..😂
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!