Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
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When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Do not steal food from the science building!
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals