May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
You Might Also Like
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
What my back needs
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??