How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
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Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
I have many caverns
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Try and stop me.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist