‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
You Might Also Like
this is the best day of my life
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Sponch
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.