Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
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Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges