Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.