Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
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Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
I’m an avid indoorsman.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.