I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
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NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever