“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
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My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”