Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
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me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
*eats only grass-fed donuts
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Twitter fine art
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.