4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
You Might Also Like
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth