therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
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If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.