*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
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Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
I like donuts.
Twitter:
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
had to make it
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard