Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
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I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”