These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
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Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.