Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
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bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”